The Incognito Bandito Interviews Presidential Candidates, Tea Party Power Brokers and President Obama
Angryman- The Incognito Bandito
I’m Angryman. I’m in disguise
tonight as a Mitt Romney supporter, in case either of the two parties should
decide, in a moment of mad political expedience to send a Tea Party Death Squad
or a US Navy Seal Team. So, if I appear to be asleep; you’ll know it’s just
part of the disguise
This show is a brand new concept in political discussion.
Mmh! Some folks calls it 3rd degree interrogation,
but I just calls it discussion Mmh’.
You knew this because he
insisted that he didn’t have sex with his girlfriend’s sister. Before during
and after the polygraph.
When the results were in it was
revealed, to no one’s amazement but his own, that he lied and had indeed had
sex with the sister.
This made us think how most
people believe that they could beat the machine.
But of course the consequences
for these deadbeat dads were……………….less than severe.
What we have created is a
Polygraph with a kick. When the Polygraph detects a lie, it administers a Violent,
High Voltage, Low Amperage shock to the politician who uttered it.
So this evening we have a group
of respected American politicians who are going to answer a series of questions
that will help us to better understand where they really are coming from and
perhaps where they think they’re going.
We’ll be back right after this
message to introduce our guests.
Republican Raunchies the new candy from the party that brought you Watergate Wafers, Irocki
candy on a stick, and Tea-Teas, the hard candy that only comes in all those tea
flavors you’ll soon be forced to love so well.
“Gee Mom. Sometimes I think life is just too good since the
Liberals got rid of all those restrictive laws. I just feel giddy all the time.”
“Ooooh, I know what you mean Peggy. When I feel up, I eat
this new candy. Republican Raunchies. Go ahead try one…………………..”
Trustful Peggy picks an ugly
green one and begins to suck on it.
“Mmmmm that sure is sweet.”
Gagging and coughing sounds suddenly erupt
“Oh Mom, that’s the most horrible taste. What did you say
they’re called again?”
“Republican Raunchies Peggy. Bet your not feeling so
chipper now are you girlie?” “And those Republicans leave such a burning, bitter
aftertaste in your life too.”
“I feel violated Mom.”
“Yeees! Heh, heh,
heh, and that feeling may never go away Peggy. It only takes one Republican to make
you feel sick and violated the rest of your life.”
Sad violin music fades away to a picture of Peggy vomiting
into a waste basket and Mom’s voice says:
Republican Raunchies: The new candy that’s sweet as honey
on the outside but tastes like bitter bile after you suck on it awhile.
Welcome back to Truth or Violent
Electrical Shock. I’m your host, Angryman and tonight we are taking a trip
inside the minds of some of the Movers and Shakers of politics in America
So let’s get right to it. Our
guests are from both of the major and most powerful American political parties.
The Democratic Party: Dedicated primarily to making restrictive laws to
stop people from exercising their God given right to carry a loaded weapon of
their choice and forcing people to be nice to each other even if they don’t
want to; not realizing that you can’t legislate morals.
The Tea Party- Dedicated primarily to: Making restrictive
laws to stop people from exercising any of their remaining rights but allowing
firearms. Destroying the American people through an insidious series of actions
designed to enrich themselves and deplete the poor. Slyly introducing the
crazed rantings of the Fundamentalist
Reformation into our political culture in a blatant effort to set up a Fascist Fundamentalist Theocracy in
place of our current form of government. Making laws allowing people to be mean
to each other whether they want to or not; not realizing that you can’t
legislate morals or hatred.
And now our lineup of posturing political pundits for
First out of the gate this evening from the former state
of Texas now known as Perryland, Tea Party Governor, Rick Perry.
Many members of
the audience stand and lifting their arms skyward chant:
IL Duce, IL Duce, IL Duce
Young Girls in Rick’s home
state call him “Rick the Stick” or “Poke-em’ Perry”. Older women have come to
think of Rick Perry as “The Grim Assed Reaper.”
Next we have former Republican Governor of the State of
Massachusetts Mitt Romney, who was replaced by a Democrat who was just elected
for a second term. Mitt feels that his successful experience supervising the
2002 Winter Olympics as well as turning the event from the loss to the profit
category qualifies him to lead this country. Altogether Mitt oversaw a $1.32
billion budget, 700 employees, and 26,000 volunteers.
Now Congressman Ron Paul, from the great state of Perryland; he has been termed the “intellectual
godfather” of the Tea Party movement As a physician, Paul routinely lowered fees or worked for free and refused to accept Medicaid or Medicare payments. As a
member of Congress, he continues to refuse to sign up for the government
pension that he would be entitled to in order to avoid receiving government
money, saying it would be “hypocritical and immoral.”
Next is the Tea
Party Governor of the State of New Jersey-Chris (The Animal) Christie- Chris
likes rainy days, kittens and long walks on the beach. He dislikes Liberals,
smart-assed reporters and anybody who
thinks Earl Gray is a British Aristocrat.
Speaker of the House of Representatives, John (dead eye) Boehner- known for his
refusal to consider tax cuts even if it meant the financial ruin of the nation
and his seemingly total control of the President for the past two years.
And, here for
your pleasure and possibly titillation, is the Bear wrestling Champion of Moose
Whistle, Alaska. The Former Tea Party Governor of the State of Alaska and the
only prominent Tea Party member to also have a career as a Pin-up girl; Sarah
(have you seen my slutty photo?) Palin.
The Tea Party
Senator from Minnesota, Michelle Bachman- Michelle was severely beaten as a child and
starved to the poin………….what? She wasn’t. Oh Hell. I thought she must have
been…..what other excuse could she have for being such a hateful bitch?
Moving on. Our
next guest is The Senate Majority Leader- Harry Reid. Harry is best known for
his conservative stance on many issues and for his lavish Christmas gifts, paid
for with campaign contributions. He is very sorry about the Reno Air show
disaster and doesn’t mind using valuable Senate time to say so. Glad there are
no pressing issues of National Import under consideration there.
Next is Nancy
Pelosi, Former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader. Nancy has been
an advocate for the American people since her election to congress. She
supports their rights and votes to prevent actions by the republicans to take
those rights away. Her estimated 58 million dollar fortune could be used to
better purpose and she would certainly be one of the wealthy who would pay more
taxes if the Democratic tax increases were to be passed. Maybe that’s why she’s
so quiet of late.
Our final guest this evening is The President of the United States of America; Barak Obama.
Hail to the chief
begins to play as the President walks out onto the stage and looks around as if
Your place is
right here in the middle Mr. President.
Is that Ok John,
if I stand in the middle? Or do you think I should take your place and let you
stand in the middle?
Just get up to
your place Barak. But run and get me a glass of water first Barak?
Oh sure John.
I’ll be right back. Gee you must be parched huh? All those hot lights and not a
drop of the milk of human kindness in you to give relief.
Watch your mouth
there Mr. President. I am John Boehner; All Powerful Speaker of the House of Representatives.
Oh Yes. I know
Mr. Speaker. Hey if I get this glass of water, can I make another speech? I
just love making speeches ya’ know?
We’ll see if we can fit you in.
Eh, Ok John.
obviously thrilled by the attention from the great man, walks off stage and
returns with a glass of water. He walks around to John Boehner’s right and sits
the water on the podium. As he starts away, John Boehner stands shaking his
many times do I have to tell you? You always serve from the left. And where are
your white gloves Boy?
White? Oh, hey
you were just joking right John?
President. I was just joking. You are the president. Heh, heh, heh, heh,
The time has come and passed to begin our show.
Thanks for tuning
in and be with us again next……….Just a joke. Boy the humor around here tonight
keeps getting better and better.
So, our first
question comes from Molly Peemore of Lacadasia, Alabama. Molly’s on the phone.
Go ahead Molly.
A child’s voice
about ten speaks
‘What is the
reason for raising taxes on the rich people ? Aren’t they nice rich people?’
Mr. Speaker, this
one is for you.
Of course they’re
nice people Molly. It’s just that the Liberals want us living in the streets,
eating out of tin cans, hunting rats just to live.
mean everybody doesn’t do those things now Mr. Speaker?
Well not everybody Darlin’. Some of us have to
live a lavish life of wealth and ease in order to insure that you get only the
best damaged canned goods and that those rats are fit for human consumption.
All right and on
to our next question from Little Rack, Arkansas. Not Bill Clinton’s favorite
town but it is Joe Buckbelter’s he lives there and has a question for Sarah
Palin. Go ahead Joe.
Hi Sarah, Uuuuh, Huh, Huh, Is that really you in
that picture with your Boobs stickin’ out and…..and…..Oh……..
my, I’ll be right back………..
Well sorry to
take you away from your admirer Sarah but I’m afraid we’ll have to move on.
Question three is for Congressman Ron Paul. Hey Ron-Ron.
from an anonymous reader is: As the only Tea Party Candidate with a record of
having at least some integrity, can you tell me why your party talks about
nothing but business, commerce and how they can make big business richer and
never about how to help the people who really need help?
Well as I have said before, everything is on the table . I am willing to compromise on…..WHAMMM!!-ZAP
And Ron Paul was hit with the first Penalty of the evening.
As he lifts himself from the floor he says, a little shakily.
Oh. Alright . The truth is we don’t really care about people
who need our help. Our motto is: What can you do for me today? We just pretend
to care so we can get in power and use the country and it’s people to enrich
ourselves and help other wealthy people all over the world.
The world isn’t really divided by country or race or even
religion. It’s only divided by income level. Money Oh Glorious Money. We just
keep your knickers in a twist and your attention toward killing each other so
you don’t turn on us in your billions and actually set up a just and honest
And everytime we let
a Democrat get in, what happens? Some really nice guys get kicked out of power.
Mohamar Kadafi, Ali Abdulluh Saleh, Zine
El Abidine Ben Ali, and it looks like old Bashar Al Assad doesn’t have much
time either. These are people with money. It isn’t right to stop them from
fulfilling their destiny. You poor people don’t have to worry about such
matters. You don’t understand the weighty responsibilities rich people have on
their shoulders. Like making sure that poor people don’t get rich. I mean where
would we be if everyone was rich?
Very good sir, I think you are beginning to get the hang of our game.
The next question is
from Bill Bailey who hasn’t been home in years but who asks Governor Chris Christie:
What are your thoughts about the policeman who arrested a woman for taking a
photograph of ground Zero in New York?
Well, I think we all know that we live in a nation
that provides freedom for all….
Chris Christie is our second guest caught by the lie detector tonight. Whew! He
went down like box of rocks which is a coincidence since Chris has been said to
be at least as smart as a box of rocks.
Holding himself up
by the edge of the podium Chris begins to turn red and steam comes out of his
You liberal son of a…..
Like to try again Chris?
Chris settles down
and begins again.
Now look, I believe
in this country and I believe in the little people ……WHAAAAM-ZAP
Ooooooooh. That was a rough one. Did somebody turn the juice up?
Come on Chris what’s the real deal.
Uh…..Uh…..Ok, Ok. Dat’
bitch should’a had more respect for dat officah’. If Id’a been dat cop, I would’a
ripped her to pieces wid’ my bare hands.
As a poor American she should know that the police are paid by the wealthy to
keep ordah’. If a cop says you aw’ wrong, then you aw’ wrong. Our fine officers
of the law take enough abuse from the likes of dis’ bitch. Thousands of
Americans were killed there at Ground Zero and killing a few more by tearing
them apart with my bear hands or having a cop shoot them is no big deal. Do you
think there aren’t enough poor people around to replace you if you disobey the
lawful orders of my New Joyzey Brown Shirts? Ground Zero is sacred American
ground. God blesses it because so many Americans died there.
Riiight. And that’s
because?…………..There’s nothing God likes better than a bunch of dead
Yeh! And lot’s of
dem boys was from Joyzey too. Makin’ it even woyce. She’s lucky my boys weren’t
there or she would be one dead citizen……………………………………….cause I’d rip her apart
with my bare hands. I wanted to kill that reporter last week. Yeh they held me
back or I, I, I would have ripped him apart with my bare hands. Nobody talks to
the animal like that.
And Hey. Have you seen my Bottom Bitch, The Snooks
From Penny in Minnesota: hey Penny what is your burning question for Michelle Bachman?
Well hey Michelle, I just wanted to ask what your secret is to that incredible, and I do mean
incredible complextion. I mean your what? Fifty-five years old? My god!
Well Penny I like to blame it on clean living and following God.
You followed him
from the Lutheran Church all the way over to the Holy Rollers didn’t you
I did change my
affiliation to an Evangelical church.
Right. I remember.
That was just about the time you joined up with those Tea party folks isn’t it?
No, I don’t recall there being a co-relation..WHAAAAM-ZAP—Nope none …WHAAAAM-ZAP. Oooooooooooh,
…….I believe you may…………be right.
You see folks? Isn’t
this fun? Michelle, that’s what happens to people who lie to the American
people. They get found out.
Crying, she looks at
Angryman with tearful eyes and says
Well!…….. Angry-man ………I just want to tell you that I am beautiful. Everybody says so. My Daddy
says I’m a princess. And Princesses always get what they want. And I just want
money and power so I can bring all Americans to Jeeee-sus. And teach them how
to live frugally so there will be plenty of money
left for me; the Princess. Heeeeey Riiiiick!!
Oh and pay for all
the plastic surgery it’s going to take to keep me looking alive in the next ten
years or so. Ooh! A cup of Darjeling. Please my God just a cup of TEA.
Waives to Rick Perry then screams
Sarah you Moose kissin’, Ice suckin’ ho’; you
better just get away from my Rick Perry. He’s going to be Emperor of America
soon and I’m going to be his Empress. Il Duce and Ducess I guess; La-dee-da dee-da-dee-doo.
Well, of course you are my deluded little wilting flower.
Sarah Palin runs over, pointing her finger at Michelle
She’s just jealous cause I took her man,
Angryman. Why I was out back just the other day; skinnin’ this
bear I wrestled to the death when the telephone rang. And
I just said to my son Whailin Palin, I bet that’s that Rick Perry callin’ again.
He wants me baaaaaad. Ever since he saw my
picture on the internet.
But I think I like that Chris Christie fellow better. I’d wrestle that bear all night long.
Turning to Chris Christie
Hiiii Chris. Oooooh baby, your such an animal. I bet you’ve got a biiiig gun don’t you cutie?
Heeeeeey Baby. I’m just a good old Joyzie boy. Juice head
Gorilla from the word go. You want to squeeze my muscles sugah’? get over here
and squeeze me baby or…or…I’ll rip you apart with my bare hands!!
Ok Chris. I think we get you.
President Obama, our next question is for you
Well Gee, I guess that would be ok.
This one is a write in. President Barak Obama. Why is it you
have let the Congress walk all over you and you have failed to push through any
but one beneficial piece of legislation since you took office? And why do
people say you are afraid of Speaker of the House, John Boehner?
Turning to John Boehner.
I don’t think they walk all over me do you John?
No Mr. President.
You see? I have a vision. I say it’s time for a change.
I……I…..John is it ok if I talk about Jobs creation?
Sure Mr. President but would you mind shining my shoes
Oh sure John, no problem. Spit shine or just a buff?
Heh, heh, heh, Just a buff will be good for today. You know
Barak, I might just let you stay president for another four years. Heh, heh,
heh, heh, heh hey barak. Know why you’re so good at bending over to buff like that?
He’s got no backbone. Ha,ha,ha, ha, ha, ha
Obama stands up and with his hands on his hips yells.
I do too have a backbone…….don’t I John?
Yeees Barak, you are a veeee-ry brave boy
Obama turns to Nancy Pelosi
You still believe in me don’t you Nan?
Oh…Oh sure Barak. That’s why I have been so curiously silent
about everything since John became Presi…Oooops, I meant became Speaker.
Harry………..Harry!….What about you Harry?
I think the Reno Air show tragedy was a great tragedy. I would like to express my sympathy for all those people who voted for Barak Obama, thinking they were getting a leader.
I should have run for President myself. At least I’m not afraid of John Boehner…………………………………….
John? Anything to say?
Mitt Romney runs up to the microphone in front of Boehner.
I’m Mitt Romney and I know all about running a business. I turned the 2002
olympics around and made a huge prfit. I had hundreds of people working for me
and millions of dollars at risk. I am a business genius. If I can turn the
Olympics around, I just know I can do the same for the hundreds of thousands of
federal employees and the trillions in US Money;……………………. money;…………………….
Money….ooooo, I’m getting a little dizzy..oooooo.
Want a jolt from the Polygraph Mitt. I’m sure we can get a
lie out of you in short order.
Yeh! That would be great. When I was in college, we had an
old baseball pinball machine. If you held the batting lever over and touched
the metal railing next to the machine, you would get one hell of a jolt…………..of
course that was before I became a wizard of business and a guru of turn
arounds. Like the 2002 Winter Olympics. Did I tell you about that? Yeh baby; I
Well folks, that the end of our show tune in again next week
when John Boehner and Harry Reid face off against each other in a staring
contest……………………with a twist.
winner gets a date and all expense paid weekend with Michelle Bachman and boy is she looking