Rick Perry Sits For Global Warming Interview With Liberal Show Host-“Texas Wept”
Good Evening and Welcome to The Liberal Liason.
The show that seeks to reach out to the other side of the political spectrum; the Dark Side if you will.
We seek a better understanding of what it is the Conservatives think, what they want and how they plan to get it.
I’m Dick Dallyoop and our guest is the man with a show all his own. It’s called the former State of Texas; Perryland USA. Will you please give a big round of applause to Republican Governor and Fanatical Tea Party supporter: Rick (Call Me IL Duce) Perry.
LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE :
(for the purpose of our interview, Dick Dallyoop’s words will appear in BLUE. Rick Perry’s words in RED
Good evening IL Duce. Tell us, why is it that they call you IL Duce?
Well, Dick! the name really means “The Duke”.
Yes it does. It’s Eye-talian ya’ see. Now them there Eye-talians are real fond o’ their Dukes and such. So Ah’ figured it’ud be a good name for me. Cause evah’body loves IL Duce (or else)
What was that Governor?
Oh nothing,’ Dick! Jis’ go on with yer questions.
Isn’t it true that you took the name because it was the name given to one of your heroes?
Well alrot, ya’ got me, Dick! I will admit that anothah’ great leader did, at one tahm’, use the name. And lak’ me he was a bit of a conservative; sort of a rot’-wing kinda’ fellah’. Not as far rot’ as I am but………..
That’s an interesting way to describe a Fascist Dictator who tried to help Adolf Hitler take over the world and killed millions of helpless civilians all over Southern Europe and North Africa in an attempt to bring in an era of bigotry, genocide, and slavery for most of the world.
Well now, Dick! Ah’ don’t believe yo’ being fay-ah’. Ah’ didn’t say he was John Boehner, Ah’ said he was a bit rot’ wing. And Ah’ said he wasn’t as far rot’ as me. Ah’ guess he did the best he could. If he had more time Ah’m sure he and that Hitler fellah’you mentioned would have done for the whole world.
I’m sure your right IL Douch’e. So as a Republican leader and a Tea Party supporter, maybe you can help us to answer the question of what it is that you Conservatives and Ultra-Conservatives and Extreme Ultra Conservatives and even the way out, so far right they’re coming up on my left, Tea Party really want.
Well, DICK! Fust’ I should probly tell yoooou, that my name is IL Duce, not IL Douch’e you arrogant liberal pansy.
Of course but go on IL Douch’e.
Alright, DICK! Here is whah’ Ah’ am he-yah’ tonight. I am tired of all this political mumbo-jumbo and dancin’ about on the National Stage. Who’s gon’’ be President? Who’s gon’ be Vice-president? Whose gon’ lead a right-wing military coooup and take control of the country by force? Let’s set the recud’ straight, DICK! Ain’t noooooo-body gon’ take over this country but ol’ IL Duce Perry.
Ah’m gon’ be President and Ah’m gon’ make all you bleedin’ heart liberal sons of bitches pay for how you have weakened my country. Ah’m gon do away with Abortion, health insurance for the poor, Social Security for anyone who makes less than five-hundred thousand Dollahs’ a year, Cut Medi-ca-yah so far down those sick old people will be lucky to get a band-aid for a gun shot wound.
What we want, DICK!!, is all the money. And all the powah’ Cause we aw’ smarter than you. Way too much money has been going to people in this country who don’t know what to do with it. People who will just waste the money. They spend it on frivolous things like expensive cuts of meat, vegetables, vacations which, as you must be aware, not only waste the time of our finest corporations, but use up precious areas of land that could bettah’ be used to build a factory or for the Wealthy Republicans to rest and regain their phenomenol mental abilities that they need to gather mo’ money from the selfish middle class slobs and their mutant followah’s, the poor.
Even wuss’ they use it to pay for medical cay-ah’ for people who never botherah’ed to earn money enough to pay for it. Well, that has to stop! If you wanna’ dance, DICK!!! You gotta pay the band. And these poor people ain’t got the change…… You get me?
Why should we pay thousands of dollah’s for instance, just so some old can-sah’ patient doesn’t have to feel pain. Pain is what life is all abat’ for the poor and the Democrats. He’ll be dead soon enough and out of pain and I’ll still have those thousands of dollah’s to use for vah’tal national interests like:
Makin’ sure Jordan don’t up and attack them Jewish fellah’s over their in that sand trap they call a country;
Payin’ farmers not to grow food for the people to eat;
Payin foreign dictators so they’ll let us in to thay-ah’ country to strip it of vah’tal natural resources before their own sickly degenerate people get any uppity ideas about land and mineral rot’s and such.
Payin Paky-stan and other loyal allies to stay loyal and hep us get rid o’ them Ay-rab terrorists.
These people need to learn and believe me DICK!!!! They will learn that you can’t f—k with the Tea Party. No sir.
We are the power.
We have the people wrapped around our little finger, and we can flick them off to the abyss anytime we get hankerin’ for a laugh.
You dumb Liberal bastards are like sitting ducks. We discredit you, put obsticles in your way, then we even let you elect that ni—-ni—–ni—-er’—-nice black fellah’ for President. But we shall have our way. The people of this country are so damn stupid they don’t even see what’s right undah’ they noses. They will hand us the powah’ aftah’ we get done makin’ ya’ll look like boobs.
Yes……well….well said…I…I think. Now Governor Perry, it was recently reported that you said that you aren’t sure you totally believe in Evolution and you think Global Warmin’ is a hoax. Is that true sir?
Well of course it’s true, DICK!!!!!!! I mean if you would just use yo’ head for somethin’ othah’ than figurin’ out how to give mah’ money away, you’d see that if Global Warmin’ was true, then all of our factories would have to stop puttin’ poisons in the air and water. Automobile makers would actually have to reduce emissions and maybe even design a real alternative to fossil fuel. And a cah’ that ran on it. Then evah’body, even the Low-Born would want one. Those liberal, tree-huggin’ pricks ovah’ at the EPA and Greenpeace would make sho-ah’ of that. And then we would have to worry about how these sheep are gon’ pay for those vehicles. Hopin’ they’ll find a way to pay back the money; but you know they won’t cause we’re already raising costs so high and keepin’ wages so low that unless you are say,…………..a wealthy Republican, you’ll never be able to catch up.
So you see? Global Warmin’ is just a hoax to try to get Fine, Upstanding, Virtuous Republicans to give thay-ah’money away. What madness! What ingratitude! Wah, if we let these God-damned liberals get away this time they’ll be wantin’ to turn our beautiful pile of exploitable natural resources over to the Spics, Kikes, Ay-rabs and the Faggots and every other inbred low-life that we Tea Party Republicans pretend to tolerate or even to like if we can lull them into a false sense of security and get them to give us the almighty vote. Then they’ll be wantin’ to save the owls or the salamanders or whatever other useless creation of God they can find to tickle and pet. Or build new housing for lazy factory workers or garbage men.
Why do you say they’re lazy Gov?
Because only a lazy man would spend his whole lah’fe diggin’ ditches and the lah’k. If he had any real Republican Balls he would be out developing his investment portfolio and exploiting the less fortunate and……………………………….Why don’t you people ever see that? !!!!!!!DICK!!!!!!!!!
Well I don’t know !!!IL Doooouchay!!!!
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Heavy breathing and the sound of a big, wet, wad of Redman hitting the spittoon by IL Duce Perry’s right foot.)
Well now. IL Dooouch-ay
Yes, Global Warmin’;
Well, of course in Perryland Global Warmin’ doesn’t exist.
Because it doesn’t. Ahh’ you doubting me again,,,,,DICK!!
Oooooh Noooooo, IL DOUCHE’, Your integrity is well known. As is the integrity of all of the other Republican, TEA PARTY, Conservative, Liars and Confidence Men.
But go ahead IL Douche, tell us. Why is there no Global Warmin’ In The Great State of Texas?
PERRYLAND! You worthless piece of offal.
Oh that was precious Rick. Hey, ……Rick!……That’s short for Richard Huh? That’s my name too. Heh, Heh, Heh, So I guess that makes you just another DICK Huh Rick? Heh, Heh, Heh.
(In a hissing whisper) STOP IT;….. YOU JUST STOP IT! Do you hear me? You’re an Awful man.
I’m an awful man? Guess that makes me Awful Offal yes?
If you say so DICK. The reason we have no Global Warmin’ in Perryland, DICK, is that I have issued an executive ordah’ stating that Global Warmin’ is not allowed in the State of Perryland.
Oh….Oh…So you have issued an order to disallow a global ecological crisis in your state?
That’s right, and the best part is Ahm gonna do the same for the whole country as soon as I become President.
Well, don’t you think the Democrats and the American people might have something to say about that?
Well uh, sho-ah’, they’d probly want to thank me personal like. But I am a very busy man already and I don’t think being the President is gonna free up my schedule any. Can’t they just all get together and buy me a card or something. Maybe a nice bottle of beer,………………..or a bull testicle dinner Whooooeeee; that would sure be fine wouldn’t it? Good ol’ Perryland Home chow.
Um,…IL Duce,……I hate to interrupt your musings.
I don’t muse son. Musing is something pansy assed liberals do. Musing is something you do when your too lazy to work like a man. Men don’t muse Men just,……………think,………I think. Let me just call my ol’ buddy and campaign manager. He’ll know.
Heeeell Yeh, He was smart enough to get us paid hundreds of thousands of dollars just for stickin’ all the little girls in the state with needles. If he can pull that one off, I think he can answer a question like this one,….Oh hello. Well who the hell do you think it is? Hey listen, I gotta ask you a question.
Governor, I’m afraid we’re almost out of time. And I do want to get to just a couple of questions.
Nevermind, This…. DICK is gonna get all pushy liberal and try to show what his sissy boy Liberal Arts degree has done for him …well go on DICK, ask your question….!!!!!!!!DICK!!!!!!!!
DO…..OH NO, we’re not going there
Yes we aah’ Dick!!!
No…..No we’re not. I wasn’t asking if the American people might have something to say about your Global Warmin’ order, I meant have something to say about whether you become President.
Ah’ guess they’ll all have plenty to say but you know what they say in Perryland. They say the bull can bellow all he wants…..till you come along and pop a cap in his dome. Eh Heh, heh. heh. Pop a cap in his dome, Heh, heh, heh,….. How Gansta is Ah’? Yo.
That’s what I’ve been getting at all night.
Nah, with all the money I’ve got behind me Ah’can buy electah’s like you can buy doughnuts and of course Ah’ also have “friends”. Low friends in high places (if you take my meaning)……….. Would you like a cup of this delicious Black Pecoe Tea? DICK
Uh,….No I don’t think I can stomach Tea. And besides IL Duce, the one thing we don’t stand for around here is a TEA PARTY. Now about the evolution issue. Not so sure of that one eh?
Well Dick, Ah’ know you know….. that Ah’ am a righteous, pius, generous, kindly, talented and humble man; as does all of America ……….maybe even the whole world Dick. And Ah’ have read a scripture or two.
Really Governor? Can you recite one.
Come on you phoney bastard,…..just one scripture.
Well,…..I uh,…..oh yeh, Ah’ know that one about how yo-ah’ supposed to beat yo-ah’ kids with a stick when they don’ listen.
You mean “withhold not the rod from your son”?
No, no, no,…the othah’ one,…you know Jesus said “Suffer the little children who come anywheres near me. Oh! suffer them children”.
Weeell,…I’ll be. All of the Bible Students in our audience will be able to attest to Rick Perry’s knowledge of the scriptures. Soooooooo,…Evolution.
Yeh, Ah’ know a bit about that too.
Well if it’s not a problem could you tell us just what it is that’s causing you to hold back from giving your full support to the theory?
Sure. Ah’ll tell you Dick, Ah’ get the whole Big Bang thing you know? Big spontaneous explosion in,… well in a place that didn’t exist before the explosion. Then it did. Easy.
And Ah’get the molten ball and the chemically puddles and ponds. Ah’ even get the chemical soup hit by lightning lining up all the right Amino Acids out of the billions of possible combinations to make a protein and splitting into two, then four etc.
But the one thing Ah’ just can’t buy is that big lipped fish crawling out of the sea and onto land cause he wanted a dry place to plant his crops. All by his little lonesome he did this. Now Ah’ve been a powah’ful, Republican, intellect for some time and the one thing Ah’ ain’t nevah’ seen is a big lipped fellah’ that wun’t too lazy to crawl all that way lessen there was yah’d boss with baton behind him and Ah’ will tell you that……
Alright! Alright. that will be enough. That was one of the most bigoted, insensitive, stereotypical, low, and just mean, hateful comments we’ve ever been cursed to hear. You are a BIGOT, and a hater sir and I already told you,….No TEA PARTY allowed around here. Now get out of here Doo-shay.
If I’m any guage;
You belong in a cage;
To quiet your rage;
Not on America’s political stage.
That’s all folks!
Come on back tomorrow night when our guest will be the renouned Catholic Exorsist Father Anthony Hopkins who says he believes he can Exorsise the Evil Demon Spirit living behind the cold, dead, eyes of House Speaker, John Boehner.
For The Liberal Liason, this is Dick Dallyoop saying Goodnight. Keep on shining your Liberal Light