Il Duce Returns- Phase II Of Rick Perry’s Plan To Shave,….eh Save America
“Hay-lo.Texas Crahsis Pregnancy Centa. How may we assist you?”
I need to see about getting’ an abortion.”
“Weeeeeell, we don’t actually do abooortions ……But we‘re a great place to sta-wart.” “Why don’t you come on dayown and we’ll just see if we can hep you?”
“Hep me what?”
“Wha, see if we can hep you examine yo options of course. We wouldn’t want you to
make an uninformed de-cision.”
“Well, Ok. I’ll stop in later today”
“Weeeeeell, that’ud be just fahn. See you then. And don’t you fret little gir. I know this
can be scary time. But we are gonna take reeeal good care of you. Ya heah?”
“Yes maam, it’s just that I’m only fifteen and I just can’t have a baby now.”
‘Ah Undastand Dahlin. We’ll see you later.”
Later that day at the Texas Crisis Pregnancy Center:
“Weeeeeell. Welcome to the TCPC. I’m Mrs. Sticupassen. Whaht’s yo name?”
“I’m Darla maam. I called earlier. I’m fifteen and I’m gonna have a baby.”
“Weeeeeell, isn’t that a blessing?”
“No maam, it isn’t. Ahm fifteen, still in high school, no job, and the father of
this baby is one of the five boys who raped me, sodomized me and almost beat me
to death outside the Governers window down by the statehouse.”
“Oh Mah!” “Was the Govnah in his office?”
“Oh yes maam.”
“And he didn’t do anything?”
“Oh! Yes Maam, he hollered out the window”
“Yes maam, he hollered”, “Shut up you white trash bitch and take it like a woman.”
“Weeeeeell, the lord works in mysterious ways don’t he?”
“Yes maam, I spect he does. But I really just came to see about getting’ an abortion before it’s too late. I only have a week or so left.”
“Weeeeeell, come on back to our counselin’ lounge and relax while we talk.”
Moments later Darla entered a room with plush cushy chairs and a table that held
various pastries. It had a little sign that said: Blessings from Jesus. Darla scanned the table and thought that the offerings looked more like blessings from the Piggly-Wiggly store on the corner. Suddenly, as if from far off, Darla thought she heard the strains of Les Toreador (you know the one from Carmen that goes: d-d-ddd dd-ddd– d-ddd- d-ddd– d-d–dddddddd dd– dd dd—- d-d-d-d-d-d– d-d-dd- dddd-d-d——- ) sung by a small choral group of maybe six or seven. She shook her head, sure she must be mistaken.
Mrs. Sticupassen showed her to a comfortable looking chair and Darla……………………………….. Sat down.
Immediately she was aware of metal straps flipping over to pin her wrists to the arms of the Oh so comfy chair. Darla couldn’t move but the room sure did.
The room began to spin and Darla felt like she was falling; falling; falling.
And when the room finally came to a stop she found herself surrounded by four gray
concrete walls. A bare light bulb hung from the ceiling and eight millimeter,
black and white films of abortions and the dead remains of back-alley abortions
gone awry played on the walls in a never ending collage of death and gore. The
temperature was kept at a toasty 104 and sweat ran down Darla’s cheeks and
Then suddenly Mrs. Sticupassen was back; this time in the robes of a minister.
Red, with a blazing cross of Jeee-sus on the breast. Behind her was another robed figure in white and on her breast was a dead baby hung on a blazing cross of Jeee-sus. In their hands, they held Bibles and the one in white held a piece of paper in her other hand. The figure in white approached Darla and, in a voice that sounded like the scream uttered by Governor Rick Perry when he first found out about the Bill of Rights shortly after his election, yelled in Darla’s face.
“Whore! Slut! How dare you come here to the sacred alter of the God of Heaven and Earth
and ask him to help you slaughter the child within your belly?”
Darla looked shocked; her large brown eyes began to water and she asked the lady incredulously, “You mean Governor Rick Perry does abortions here?
“Look around you, you little murderer. Look at the scenes of death caused by you and every other cheap, wanton little hussy like you and waaah; waaah; waaah; wave; wave; chant and mumble; and suddenly
Darla was struck in the head with the full frontal power and force of the King
James Version of The Holy Bible; (With eight by ten glossy photos of the River
Jordan, the mountain where Moses saw the burning bush and 107 other wonders of
the Bible. Guilt edged pages (just for the weight), a full concordance and
twenty six appendices) and she fell to the floor in a wash of guilt, pain, and
The white figure said, “If you think it’s hot in here; wait till the flames of hell are licking at you feet while you are forced to view an image of your dead mutilated aborted child for all eternity.”
Then the robed rouge began to weave back and forth. She began to shiver and shake. She began to quiver and quake. She began to foam at the mouth and chickens ran out of her mouth from
her belly and threw themselves upon the floor in a frenzied, jerking, dance of
death. The air turned to black thick choking fluff. The moon turned to blood. The
Earth cracked open, black smoke and flames leapt out into the air and horrid
abominations crawled out from the slimy depths. And snakes appeared and began
to climb the legs of the robed “Crisis Counselors” From a dark corner a male
voice boomed directly to the center of Darla’s brain.
It said, “Aaaah am Reverend Bunkline Baptiste Bugaloo and I come here to BUGALOO you.
To make you see that Rick Perry is on the way to be the big “P”
In Washington he’ll make the stand for all the Fascists in the land.
And you can’t stop him no sir’eee
So stand up tall and sing with me
Then….wait…there it was again; that Les Toreador song but this time it was being played
by a full brass band and the Reverend Bugaloo began to sing what was now the
unofficial/official (wink; wink.) Anthem of the new State of Texas Perryland
We love Il Duce’ he’s the Gov for us.
Eyes cold and dead,
Head full of puss.
He’ll lead us to a new Democracy,
Where the State says what will beeeeeeeee
He hates a-bortion and his fellow man
We must praise him agaaaaain.
We love Il Duce he’ll be President.
Then you can ask,
Where freedom went.
He saaays no health in-sur-ance let them die.
I love to watch children cryyyyy.
The people are just trash
I’d like to smash
If they don’t have the cash.
As the music faded into the distance and the Reverend danced maniacally around the
room the women took the deadly vipers and wound them around their bodies and
began to coo and groan.
The serpents crawled all over the women rubbing every part (wink; wink; snicker) of their bodies until they began to moan and writhe and then as if on cue they both screamed and shuddered and they kissed the snakes saying “God has sent you to us.”
And then poor Darla let out a scream of terror and begged and pleaded, “What do you
want? I’ll do anything you say but make it stop. Make the pain go away.”
Then as if by magic the walls lifted away, the robes came off as if attached to
wires and shot into the ceiling. The bare bulb was replaced by the soft, comforting, golden
glow of the “Baptist Bulb”— “Whetha you ah goin’ to Heaven, or whether you ah goin’
to Haaaaill, Our bulbs make you feel that all is waaaaill.”
Then Mrs. Sticupassen was back again and dressed in the same pink and yellow brocade
suit she had been wearing when Darla came in. Mrs. Sticupassen shoved a
document in her face and said, “I just kneeew we could hep you.” “Just sign on
the line of crosses here at the bottom.“ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Darla was stunned. Her mind still whirling from the brainwashing chanting and waiving;
and those snakes and….and…and…..and
Darla’s mind finally snapped like a dry twig under a heavy boot. She looked at
the paper and said “What is it?”
“Whaaa, it’s just a little ol’ piece of paypa Honey. It just says that you came to us
of your own choice and have decided to give your child up for adoption………….it
also says that you have accepted Jeee—sus in your heart freely and without
coercion and that you swear allegiance to our beautiful, wise, and benevolent
govnah…..Rick Perry. We call him Il Duce because he’s so commandin’ and sexy.
And because he doesn’t let anything get in the way of his fanatical, Tea Party
agenda to wipe out abortions and all those pesky poor people.”
But Darla was a frail, young girl and her strength was waning. She picked up the
pen and signed the page before her.
Then still dazed and confused she wandered off into the bright Texas sunshine where as luck would have it……………….Darla ran into a group of five Texas cowboys hunkered around a small camp fire drinking what, from the smell could only have been Oolong tea with a touch of orange
spice. One of them was holding a photograph of Sarah Palin wrestling an Alaskan
Brown Bear in her skivvies while still drinking a delicious cup of Darjeeling tea with her other hand. Across the picture the words, My Own True Love were written in bold, red letters. The cowboys were waiting to give Darla her second lesson of the day about living under the leadership and control of a man like Il Duce and with that; all five gang raped and sodomized poor Darla. Then they beat her almost to death and laughed as they walked away saying, “Looks like you might’a got that abooortion you wanted afta all”, and “If you think you’ve been raped by us, wait untill Il Duce becomes El Presidente.